Song of the day: #4 Average Joe Stalin – "Montel Gets Things Done"

 The first song ever written by Average Joe Stalin was essentially a list of directions to the house in Glasgow i used to live in. This is the second, a tribute to the talkshow host Montel Williams¹ and his eponymous show, often on ITV2 in the background in the traditional student manner. It's surfaced again on a compilation by the Little Rock record label, FUCKNO, to be released on April 30.

AJS has since popped up in a variety of guises. The track, written around 2004, is a brief, enjoyable blast through daytime TV and its irresistible cathode lure. There's more than a hint of Brainiac influence, all dessicated guitar riffs, stomping motorik beat and shimmering falsetto vocals (this is always a good thing, since Brainiac were ace). Probably the real win, though, is in the understated deadpan wit of the lyrics. i seem to remember that the band name is also TV-related, the pun being inspired by a really shitty reality show that was on around the same time.

All the daytime TV hosts namechecked herein have since disappeared from view: Montel was quickly cancelled in 2008 following an appearance on another show, Fox and Friends, during which he lambasted the American media for its pitiful coverage of the Iraq war and overriding focus on celebrity trivia like the death of Heath Ledger. He then did a radio show on the Air America network, which closed this January, and has apparently now gone down the George Foreman-pioneered painfully-flogging-kitchenware route. Richard and Judy left This Morning to do an eponymous chatshow on Channel 4 teatime, before moving to some godforsaken cable channel watched by precisely no-one, only to be dropped in 2009 because, predictably, no-one watched it. Christ knows what they're doing at the moment.

At times like these, it's good to know who your friends are
TV's a friend to me, and it'll be a friend to you (yeah)
You can watch more but your folks say you're a vegetable
Your eyes'll go square and you won't talk sense no more
Love is blind, but TV's much more sensible
Caring and smart and everything you want and more
When I die, TV'll give the eulogy
Keep it simple, maybe some Richard and Judy

Montel gets things done

Average Joe Stalin – "Montel Gets Things Done"

¹ Other incorrect guesses have included R&B singer Montell Jordan, sprinter Montell Douglas and wrestler Montel Vontavious Porter.