Life Just Bounces

...so don't you get worried at all. (A weblog of music and otrogenerica)

Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Monday, 22 March 2010

Charity singles head-to-head: "Everybody Hurts" vs. "Do They Know It's Christmas"

Simon Cowell's all-star Helping Haiti single was recently named the fastest-selling charity single of all time. But how does it compare to the record widely credited for kicking off the charity single revolution?



"Do They Know It's Christmas?" (1985)
The big daddy, the one that started them all. Bob Geldof swears on TV to raise money. Midge Ure stakes a strong claim to being the only man in the world named after a biting insect and a Yorkshire river.

Nadir: There are many, but the stunningly crass "tonight thank God it's them instead of you" line is always a highlight.

Unintentional hilarity: The line about "the bitter sting of tears" is sung by Sting, and should really have become his full title.

Oddest participant: Not Kool & the Gang's finest hour.

Interesting fact: The answer to the titular question is most likely "yes". Christianity in Africa has a following close to half the population, so there's a good chance they'd at least have heard a rumour.

"Everybody Hurts" (2010)
The logical culmination of a long Cowell-driven campaign to completely emotionally castrate a pretty decent pop record while still keeping his name in the public eye. Erm, i mean... earthquake relief! Yeh, that one.

Nadir: Rod Stewart hamming up REM like a prize-winning pork butcher. The very presence of N-Dubz. The disingenuous, mawkish, "hey, we may be perfection-preened products of the Syco sausage machine, but we, like, feel your pain, guys!" mentality. Pick one, frankly.

Unintentional hilarity: James Blunt's ridiculous warbling intonation is about the best it gets.

Oddest participant: Presumably Bon Jovi's invite fell through a wormhole into 1988.

Interesting fact: Joe McElderry lost his voice just before the recording and it was uncertain whether he would be able to participate. In the event that he was too unwell, his line was to be replaced by a sampled fragment of an old Rage Against the Machine song.

Originally for Sanctuary, March 2010

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Review of a review: Pitchfork's take on RJD2's "The Colossus"

If music wants to be free, as the more share-happy quarter of modern culture would have it, then reviewers of albums can perhaps serve as benevolent jailers, emancipating artworks from the dank gaols of obscurity with the skeleton key of communication. It is with this noble purpose in mind that we should consider Patrick Sisson's recent assessment of RJD2's The Colossus album for popular internet periodical Pitchfork Media, which represents a worthy example of the role.


With a substantial 660 words in five paragraphs, Sisson assuredly achieves his goal of reviewing the most recent record by the Columbus musician. He deftly emphasises the contradictions of art through his repeated placement of opposing concepts in introductory paragraphs – independence/retrospection; ambition/repression; confidence/reticence – embodied in the snappy final description of the album as “a forward thinking look back”.

The highlight is undoubtedly the spare apostrophe in the fourth-paragraph “it’s”: a daring and provocative move sadly destined to be overlooked or, worse, interpreted as a typing error by the untrained eye. Such subtlety is characteristic of a writer from whom we can expect huge things in 2010. (8.1)

mp3: RJD2 – "A Spaceship for Now"


Originally written for Sanctuary.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

A short guide to post-music

In the crazy world of modern music hackery, it seems almost impossible to move without bumping into a genre prefixed by the word "post". But what do all these terms really mean? Fear no more, for i have compiled a jargon-busting compendium.

• Post-punk. The original 'post-' genre, post-punk began when original punks decided they wanted to get stoned and listen to hippy music after all. Dub influences and a fourth chord were duly added.

• Post-rock. In theory: a diverse fusion of non-rock compositional elements, including jazz, reggae and electronic, played with traditional rock instruments. In practice: kind of the blood group O of music, you can pretty much call anything post-rock and the awe of your companions will mean no-one will be able to challenge your mad skillz. Congratulations! You may now write for an online hipster periodical of your choice.

• Post-hardcore. A term used by bands who want to play emo, yet also retain credibility from Serious Rock Publications. Usually achieved by adding a second, shoutier vocalist.

• Post-metal. Much like metal, but with all the testosterone and dubious lyrics about wizards replaced with brooding instrumentals and 20-minute song lengths. So, an improvement, obviously.

• Post-jazz. Completely indistinguishable from normal jazz.

• Post-alService. Pioneers in writing songs by mailing each other individual instrumental parts and then combining them afterwards, a fact far more interesting than their actual music.

• Post-Secret. Not so much a musical genre as a popular website. (Can I stop now?)

Picture: The notorious NME cover featuring Godspeed You! Black Emperor (the rhesus negative of music). This wasn't one of their all-time failures, as conventional wisdom has it now; it was actually one of their all-time successes. If only they could see that.

mp3: P.I.L. – "Rise"
mp3: Labradford – "P" (YSI)
mp3: Drive Like Jehu – "Caress"
mp3: Neurosis – "Burn"
mp3: Ornette Coleman – "Space Church (Continuous Services)"



Originally written for the Sanctuary newspaper, who got into some rather excellent trouble this week for a piece taking the piss out of those awful, tawdry commemorative crockery collections, which was obviously spun into a "how dare these callous bastards mock the dead!"-type controv-orgy by the increasingly Daily Fail-ish Telegraph.

Monday, 1 June 2009

i did a satire

MUGABE 'TO GET CLIFFORD'

Public relations guru Max Clifford has a new client - in the form of Zimbabwe's president Robert Mugabe.

Mr. Clifford, previously known for his work with such cultural luminaries as Jade Goody, O.J. Simpson, celebrity pig onanizer Rebecca Loos and some non-entity that falsely accused Neil & Christine Hamilton of sexually assaulting her, is set to jet out to Harare next week to sprinkle his personalised brand of PR magic on the beleaguered Zimbabwean president.

OK! magazine are believed to be preparing a special "At Home with the Mugabes" pull-out, with appearances on Loose Women, Paul O'Grady and Come Dine With Me to follow.

Some critics have expressed surprise about the link-up in the light of Mr Mugabe's track record of running his country's economy into the ground, slashing the life expectancy age to among the world's lowest and having his political opponents beaten for sport.

But in a statement yesterday Mr. Clifford said: "The treatment Mr. Mugabe has received in some quarters of the media has been very unfair. He's been greatly misunderstood. Basically he just wants the chance to show the world the 'real him'."

Mr Clifford is said to be sidestepping Zimbabwe's current economic crisis, which has seen inflation reach 60 sextillion percent and citizens having to use $100 trillion banknotes to buy everyday goods, by receiving his payment in human souls.

— Originally writ for Manchester's satirical student monthly The Sanctuary.