Some genuine radicals in Yorkshire1 have decided they're going to make everyone's life better by supergluing the locks of charity shops they deem to be 'selling Christmas stuff too early'.
Debenhams, the target of their ineffectual bleating, wrote back very patiently with a stock letter explaining their position. (Incidentally, some geniuses in the group seemed to think they were the next Sherlock Holmes for spotting this fact. "I received an almost identical, and obviously canned response", smugs one complainant. Well, yes. The reply is very similar to the reply received by others who complained, perhaps because you all put in the same fucking complaint.) If i owned a shop, my fantasy reply letter wouldn't have been quite so cordial. It would have more likely been along the lines of:
Ho, ho, and indeed, ho.
mp3:___dREàgänN|||||| — "This Is My Christmas"
mp3: Cutting Pink with Knives — "Merry Fucking Christmas, You Spineless Fuck"
1 Well, one guy at least. Probably two at most. They will be plural for the time being.
The writer claims to speak for the "Movement for the Containment of Xmas".
Clive Barker, manager of the Oxfam shop in Otley Road, said the letter was posted through his letterbox on Monday evening.
He said: "It is very odd. Every morning I wonder if I am going to be able to open up or will the lock be glued up.
"We are not going to take our cards down as we are a charity and we raise money for all the Oxfam projects.
"The cards are important for our fundraising. Like the rest of the High Street there are Christmas cards on display as early tasters.
"Four shops have been targeted and I just hope that nothing comes of it. The police say they are treating it very seriously and have taken the letter for fingerprints."
The letter states: "This is a very polite but very serious reminder not to display Xmas cards until 1st Nov. We will put super glue into your locks if you do. Peace and goodwill."
Truly revolutionary, guy(s). You are doing a sterling job of reclaiming Christmas from the forces of capitalistic greed and back towards the true Christian message of charity to others by, erm, vandalising a charity shop for attention.
i'm starting a counter-movement called "Movement for the Proliferation of Xmas" just to spite these pricks. And i'm going to find out their identities and send them Christmas cards and serenade them with carols ALL SUMMER.
The fact that they've given themselves a fancy yet slightly wacky name screams "clever-clogs students" to me. (NB: Sarah, who knows about these things, says "I guessed those student sorts too. Then I read the article and it says that some of the beef happened in Headingley which makes it a 99.9% cert.")
He/they probably meant it sincerely, too, but pound-to-a-pinch-of-shit that if the po-po pick do them up from the fingerprint evidence, they won't even have the balls to cop to it, and will instead say "Oh, it was meant as an art statement, on the nature of capitalist society and how it erodes our basic humanity. We were SATIRISING the sort of people that put glue in locks."
Weak as plankton piss. A plague on all their houses.
See also this Facebook group, where they're actually compiling lists of shops that they think are selling Christmas stuff "too early", putting in complaint letters and boycotting the shops in question. Good job that such a list could also be used as a guide to where to shop if you want to spite the kind of bores that find it necessary to join such a group!i'm starting a counter-movement called "Movement for the Proliferation of Xmas" just to spite these pricks. And i'm going to find out their identities and send them Christmas cards and serenade them with carols ALL SUMMER.The fact that they've given themselves a fancy yet slightly wacky name screams "clever-clogs students" to me. (NB: Sarah, who knows about these things, says "I guessed those student sorts too. Then I read the article and it says that some of the beef happened in Headingley which makes it a 99.9% cert.")
He/they probably meant it sincerely, too, but pound-to-a-pinch-of-shit that if the po-po pick do them up from the fingerprint evidence, they won't even have the balls to cop to it, and will instead say "Oh, it was meant as an art statement, on the nature of capitalist society and how it erodes our basic humanity. We were SATIRISING the sort of people that put glue in locks."
Weak as plankton piss. A plague on all their houses.
Debenhams, the target of their ineffectual bleating, wrote back very patiently with a stock letter explaining their position. (Incidentally, some geniuses in the group seemed to think they were the next Sherlock Holmes for spotting this fact. "I received an almost identical, and obviously canned response", smugs one complainant. Well, yes. The reply is very similar to the reply received by others who complained, perhaps because you all put in the same fucking complaint.) If i owned a shop, my fantasy reply letter wouldn't have been quite so cordial. It would have more likely been along the lines of:
Dear Complainant,
It's our store, and therefore our prerogative to sell what we want whenever we see fit. We are not bothered in the slightest that your ignorant arse will not be crossing our threshold this year.
Fuck off,
tom dissonance.
Ho, ho, and indeed, ho.
mp3:___dREàgänN|||||| — "This Is My Christmas"
mp3: Cutting Pink with Knives — "Merry Fucking Christmas, You Spineless Fuck"
1 Well, one guy at least. Probably two at most. They will be plural for the time being.
2 comments:
Otley Road? They'll be fucking Leeds students, then. Cunts. I bet they went to the Headingley Taps afterwards and got mashed on Magners, over ice.
i can't even tell you how much i enjoyed this post. thank you so much.
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