The first in an occasional series of giant wankers

A Ryanair flight carrying British holidaymakers has been forced to make an unscheduled landing due to a loss of cabin pressure, the company has said.

Probably experiencing a sudden extreme blast of turbulence from Michael "Cunt" O'Leary's gargantuan, shit-puking ego.

Take that bass out your voice, you talk to me in treble.

The first in an irregular series(?), today's Awesome '90s Verse of the Day is from Talib Kweli on Reflection Eternal's "Chaos", from the Soundbombing II comp.

[Talib Kweli]
Call us Liberty like the Bell in Philadelphia scenery
Me and Bahama-D style free like Mumia need to be
Seein me, feelin me, we right here on the level
Turning hard rocks to pebbles, exposin the devil
Lyrical Olympian like John Carlos winnin gold medal
Take that bass out your voice, you talk to me in treble
I'm "Serious" as Steady B so you know I ain't playin
I'm stimulatin, makin crowds move like organizations
in Philly. Keep it positive, my prerogative is exercise
See through the chaos with my third eye, Word I
Exhibit the exquisiteness, since a child I was vivid
Throw your hands in the air if you with it, dig it

...and every time some windbag fence-sitter from the International Olympic Committee or whoever comes out with some bullshit platitude about how the Olympics are above criticism because sport is like waaay too important to be affected by trivial real-world concerns like people's imprisonment and torture or forced disappearance or people's countries being invaded and occupied or funded for self-destruction or people having to apply for unattainable permission to speak their minds or the general quasi-Fascistic suppression of views that don't fit...


i think about how much we need a John Carlos.

Although Talib got it slightly wrong:
Tommie Smith got the gold, Carlos the bronze.
But still. IT'S THE THOUGHT PEOPLE

MP3: Reflection Eternal feat. Bahamadia — "Chaos"

Endearing bungling; more Dark Knight

To Birmingham, and the news that the council there has printed up 720,000 leaflets to thank the residents for their diligence in recycling, but unfortunately illustrated them with a picture of the wrong Birmingham — the West Midlands city's redneck American counterpart of Birmingham, Alabama.

Sparing literally no expense whatsoever, they also appear to have lifted the image of the Birmingham, AL skyline directly from the aforelinked Wikipedia article:

Here's a picture of the Birmingham, UK skyline for comparison purposes:

Hmmm, yes. You can maybe see their point. Personally, i'm wholly in favour of this sort of thing; you can't fault their commitment to recycling stuff, at least.

However, the most charming bit about the whole story was the authorities' initial insistence that nooo, of course they hadn't made a mistake! Y'see, they were planning to display, ummm... a generic skyline "intended to symbolise an urban area"! Yeh, that's right! Any old skyline, that'll do! And... erm... it was just unfortunate coincidence that the skyline in question was from a city with the same name as theirs while also not being the right one. Yeh! Coincidence!!

That line of reasoning lasted for nearly a whole 5 minutes, until presumably everybody who'd heard it had been fully incapacitated with laughter and told the Council to stop pretending they hadn't been going in the biscuit tin, as everyone could plainly see the chocolate plastered around all their mouths. Sterling effort.

In other news:

Dear All My Friends,

I would very likely have come to see The Dark Knight with you if you'd told me Maggie Gyllenhaal was in it.

YouTube: Gang Starr — "Nice Girl, Wrong Place"

The world is burning down, kids, watch it on the TV.

Cracker of a remix today, with El-P flipping Kidz in the Hall's "Drivin' Down the Block (Low End Theory)", itself pretty decent to start with, from a debonair summer breeze into a bug-eyed apocalyptic noise-funk whir via the addition of an extra verse and some ace subversive paraphrases of Naledge's original second verse.

Original KITH lyrics from OHHLA.com so don't blame me for getting those wrong (just El's bits).

[Chorus: Masta Ace]
Driving down the
Driving down the
Driving down the
Driving down the...

[Verse 1: Naledge]
[Driving down the block] It's the flicker of the year
Flicker on my ear make a hater shed a tear, When I'm
[Driving down the block] Got my seat on recline, turn up the Alpine
with the [Bass crazy kicking and]
[Driving down the block] See my black lady gossip
Passenger side with my hand on her thigh, while I'm
[Driving down the block] Chuck a deuce to the sky
For the boppers in the stands rubber necking on my ride
[Driving down the block] My Low End Theory tape in
Playing number six "Show Business" is my shit, when I'm
[Driving down the block] Bass kicking man sorta like Fred A-do
And I'm looking blessed like I said A-choo
I'm so damn clean, polo rugby and Jordan 16s while I'm
[Driving down the block] Wifey feeling intimate
Park up at the lake and turn the car into a cigarette

See the wheels on my car go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my truck go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my car go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my truck go (rouuunnnnndddddd)

[Verse 2: El-P] [Masta Ace]
[Driving down the block] Past a military cop
Got his blickers in his paws it's a Blackwater op, when I'm
[Driving down the block] See the cinders of the city
Try to get to higher ground before the riots set off, well I'm
[Driving down the block] Whether the hooptie or the Ranger,
Debasement is the fashion, i'm lashed to the great danger
[Driving down the...] not until petroleum drops off
from 4 dollars a gallon, you can suck on my cock, watch...
The summer was hot shit, the city could shapeshift
Cops'd just spray ways, get off every day quick [And they...]
[Driving down the block] Humming a irrational anthem
No crackers in bags, scram and run to the van,
Grab your handgun and scoop up your fam; this land's done.
Try to make it out the section 'fore they notice you've run [They got me...]
[Driving down the block] They barricaded every corner
Got a creeping suspicion i might not make it to the border...

[Verse 3: Naledge & El-P] [Masta Ace]
Polo on my back, Nike on my heels
D's on my Caddy, nigga I'm so trill
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Low End Theory tape cause I'm so hip-hop, when I'm
[?All pulled out?] again, more likely to kill
Shackles on my ankles baby, life's so real
Drama's coming back (back), innocence is shot (shot)
The highway is a vein and i whip in a metal clot, when I'm
[Driving down the block] lights, camera, spotlight
Feel like the Howard marching band at the stop light
[Driving down the block] see the cameras like scanners
Feeling like a [digi-pet?] with invisible handlers
Yeeeaah, my car like a shop right?
Got cheese, got bread, yea yea I shop right
Yeeeaah, food is getting sparse right?
No cheese, no bread, no rice, not nice
On stoney in the turning lane tipping
Down 87, my presence is a present
Pimp in my own mind, bumping my music
Brainiac dumb dumb, [Yo!] got a degree stupid!
Not a degree human, robotic consuming up
Any and every privile-, keep him from thinking busily
Is he that little dot on that grid? Oh god, fuck no,
Producto with a middle finger waving out the truck. (Go!)
[Driving down the block] I'm stunting like David Blaine
Oh look, it's Major Payne sorta like Damon Wayans
Girls fantasize bout having labor pains
Cuz they see my ride and they thinking that I make it rain
Got a Cadillac car and a dream girl
Merrily merrily, my life is a dream world
Two miles an hour so everybody see me
The world is burning down, kids, watch it on the TV...

See the wheels on my car go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my truck go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my car go round and round (uh-huh)
See the wheels on my truck go round

[Chorus: Masta Ace]
Driving down the block, Low End, Low End Theory tape in
Open up the trunk, ba-bass crazy kicking
Driving down the block, Low-Low End Theory tape in
Low End Theory tape, bass, bass crazy kicking
Driving down the block, Low-Low End Theory tape in
Open up the trunk, ba-bass crazy kicking
Driving down the block, Low-Low End Theory tape in [See the...]
Open up the trunk, bass crazy kicking

PS: Swerve the West Coast remix, it's rubbish.
PPS: Reading this on Facebook? Go here, it'll make more sense.

MP3: Kidz in the Hall – "Drivin' Down the Block (Low End Theory)"
MP3: Kidz in the Hall – "Drivin' Down the Block (El-P mix feat. El-P)"

Unsurprising breaking news: PETA still morons

The clever souls at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) are at it again, continuing to collect the public's unflagging sympathy and support for their worthy cause. Yep, the organisation that gave you such sane comparisons such as slaughterhouses with The Holocaust have apparently now decided that comparing every meat-eater with a psychopathic killer is really going to play well with the public. Genius. Hey you - enjoyed a tasty burger recently? THEN YOU'RE JEFFREY DAHMER!! Watch the membership requests flood in after that one.


People who genuinely care about animals – as opposed to slaughtering them while pretending to give a fuck – must surely be embarrassed to near-suicide every time PETA issue a new statement and make them, to a (wo)man, resemble some kind of insane cross between Bobby Sands and Beatrix Potter.

Personally, i just hope Ingrid "i'm getting my body made into meat, see what i did there?" Newkirk carks it soon, so i can order a load of "Newkirk Nuggets" and then shun them in favour of something tastier. (Let's face it, she looks like a stewed old boot, and there's no reason to suppose she'd taste any better.)

Like a big fat kangaroo steak, for instance. Mmmm... game-y.

MP3: The Meat Puppets – "I'm a Mindless Idiot"

"Peace to Biggie, Tupac, Big L, and Big Pun..."

...and now Ike Hayes also. Goodnight Shaft, we will miss you.


Here's Wu-Tang's RZA flipping Isaac's "Walk on By" into one of the most heart-rending hip-hop tracks by anyone ever.




MP3: Wu-Tang Clan feat. Isaac Hayes – "I Can't Go to Sleep"

Keith Vaz fucks up / Starbucks fucks off

Another example of the current government's uncanny ability to deal with the really important issues in our society, the ones that affect us all, the ones we all carry so close to our hearts.

Yep, that latter-day Roger Cook Keith Vaz has fearlessly stuck his neck on the line, weighing in with his usual integrity and passionate on the deeply troubling and incredibly important issue of the cinema rating of the new Batman movie. Holy Totally Significant Issue, Batman!

According to the Beeb, Vaz told The Independent, "The BBFC should realise there are scenes of gratuitous violence in The Dark Knight to which I certainly would not take my 11-year-old daughter. It should be a 15 certificate."

Uhhh, got news for you, Keith. A 12A certificate actually doesn't admit an 11-year-old (the clue's in the numbers) unless you specifically ignore the BBFC's advice and take the kid in with you as its legal guardian. So, um, your 11-year-old daughter wouldn't in fact be able to see the film anyway, unless you were a wilfully negligent parent. So if you don't want her to see it, don't take her to it. Just don't try and impose your misunderstanding of the ratings system on the rest of us for cheap political points.

How does such an egregious dunderhead get to lead a Select Committee, anyway? Presumably "Select" is like a Labour euphemism for "backwards", like "special" or "cerebrally challenged" or something.

---

In other news, three cheers for the Aussies! Apparently they've largely driven Starfucks out of the country altogether, corporate monolithery and shitty coffee and all.

When i got my mobile a few years ago, the inbuilt T-9 dictionary could accurately complete the word "Starbucks", but not "Shakespeare". So this news is not before time at all.

MP3: Don Caballero: "You Drink a Lot of Coffee for a Teenager"

It was too bad for Marie Antoinette, and now it's gonna be too bad for you

Decapitation is apparently no longer the exclusive of religious terrorist groups; in fact it seems, worryingly, to be somewhat a flavour of the month at the moment. You'll probably be aware by now of the case of Tim McLean, whose assailant cut off his head on the bus before gleefully waving it at the other passengers, thus prompting exactly the same argument on Wikipedia that they have every time there's an even vaguely unusual death. (The fifth comment down on his MySpace is also a little unfortunate).

But worryingly, now it seems the procedure is also being used to settle garden-variety love rivalries (admittedly, the "36-hour pornography and cocaine-fuelled party" that apparently occurred prior was probably also a factor). And while not strictly decapitation (more just amputation), pulling children's fingers from your bag in court is definitely an original way to try and prove your innocence when being tried for, um, fraud. (No, no, it does make sense! The curse she was under that caused the kids' fingers to drop off also made her commit the £925,933 of tax fraud. Obviously.)

Enough grimness, here's some light relief in the form of a picture of a man with a full English breakfast tattooed on his head.

MP3: Teeks – "Decapitated Orchestra"
MP3: Beck – "Cut Half Blues"

lolwut / my famous friends

So i appear to have started a weblog, mainly because i tend to think of a lot of things, and then either write them down or forget them. So i thought in a straight-up choice between forgetting them and writing them down and maybe seeing what someone else might think, i went for the latter. So, so far, so self-regarding, then.

i shall also give away selected musical tunes and other goods, sometimes by me, but mostly by other people (for tryout and sampling purposes only, natch). "Otrogenerica" is a fake Latinised Spanish word meaning "other things". "Life Just Bounces" is, of course, a treat from The Mighty Fall. Not my favourite version of this song, and Christ knows where that bizarro dancing-plasticine-eggs video came from, but great anyway.

Anyway, to kick off with, some plugs for some pals.

Live-ass electro-rock hybrid-merchants Out From Animals have been added to the Reading and Leeds Festival bills, playing this weird little stage at the bottom of the poster that'll nonetheless probably be dope. So if you're attending either of those fests this August bank holiday weekend, check out these fellows: they're a beast live and on a stage like that it's not like watching their set is going to eat into your day anyway.

Here's Andy Animals' enthusiastically altered pictorial:



(Note that you'll probably need to right-click "view image", esp. in Firefox, owing to its massive size, to actually see his scribblings.)

Hear their music on (dubious new-look) last.fm or the inevitable myspazz.

Meanwhile, Ava Leigh had a single out last Monday... "Mad About the Boy" (not the Dinah Washington one) backed with "Mas Que Nada" (yeh the Sérgio Mendes one) which you might also have seen in a recent Next TV ad, of all things.

Anyway, here's the video for the A-side. Buy it, uh, to the extent that anyone buys music in any way any more.

More ramblings later, inevitably.